More About My Infertility Journey

Note: This post is taken directly from another blog I used to write in 2011, before my triplet pregnancy. I repost this here for those who are also struggling with PCOS or other forms of infertility in the hopes that you might find something helpful. You will notice the wording is a bit outdated. When I read the second to last paragraph, it cracked me up a bit!

My PCOS Story
My husband and I were married in 2000, while juniors in college.  I had never had a regular cycle, but never thought much of it. In fact, other women were jealous of me! A doctor put me on birth control to regulate my cycles, and it did just that.  But when we started our final year of college in 2002, my husband and I decided to go off the birth control and open ourselves to the possibility of getting pregnant.


Of course, my cycles returned to being almost non-existent (it was not unusual for me to have one only once a year, and only for a couple of days) and we were not able to conceive. Since we were both in our student teaching, then our first year as educators, we didn't worry too much about it. But after my first year of teaching I decided it was time to start getting serious about starting a family and, knowing I would need to be available to see doctors, I decided to leave the school and just focus on my private piano studio. It was a good decision, because the next few years were full of doctors!

I don't remember exactly when I was diagnosed with PCOS. I think it was probably about 2004, maybe early 2005.  My first clue that something was wrong was when I gained almost 60 pounds over the course of about 6 months - all while I was going to the gym each day, which I had never done before, and eating healthier than I had in my entire life. I met with a nutritionist, a doctor that focused on diet and exercise, worked out with my super athletic, sports-medicine-major friend...nothing helped. I just kept gaining weight. I was miserable!

Finally, I went to an ObGYN.  He did the usual tests - bloodwork, followed by an ultrasound, and upon finding my ovaries riddled with cysts, diagnosed me with PCOS. At the time, all I knew about PCOS was that it made it hard to get pregnant. That was pretty much it.

We had bought our first house shortly after we graduated from college and moved into the new home and our new ward. It was full of childless young couples, just like us.  Every Monday night we got together for Family Home Evening. We called our group "The Young and the Childless". We had a great time together. There were probably a good 10 couples in our ward, and it was comforting to know that we all were in the same stage of life.

As my husband and I continued to try and get pregnant and fail, we watched as, one by one, each and every couple in our little "childless" group became pregnant and had babies. We endured countless Sundays of going to church and seeing big round bellies. I remember the lowest Sunday I had was when the final remaining childless couple got up in Sacrament Meeting and announced their pregnancy. It took all the strength I had not to run out of the chapel right then.  I managed to hold in the tears until after Sacrament, then broke down in the hall. The sadness was indescribable.

We also watched, one by one, as each couple completely forgot about us as they became engrossed in their new families. At the time, the loss of their friendships hurt.  Now I understand that that is just what happens when you have a new baby, you can't really help it. You're busy, and you're exhausted. You're in survival mode. What you once knew as normal life doesn't exist anymore. But I didn't understand that then, in my childless state of mind. It was just adding insult to injury, to be left in the dust, not only not being able to start a family, but losing all of our friends as well.

It was about this time that I went to Utah for a family reunion and had a conversation that changed my journey. My cousins' wife also had PCOS. She told me to talk to my doctor about going on Metformin to help my cycles regulate. Even though it is a medication traditionally used with diabetes, it has proven to be helpful to PCOS patients as well, likely because of the PCOS link to insulin and sugar metabolism. 

I am reeeeaally bad about seeing doctors. I just HATE going to the doctor. So it would often take me a few months just to get around to making an appointment. I SO regret that I dragged my feet so much in the early years of this condition. Though I do not regret God's timing, I sure wish my own had been a little better.

When I finally went back to see my doctor later that Fall, he put me on clomid. Nothing happened. 

Shortly afterward, I began seeing another doctor, about 45 minutes drive from my home (far for my city, where there are doctors every couple of miles). I had been referred to this doctor by another friend who had some fertility struggles.  I saw him every month. He prescribed Metformin, and I took it faithfully. It had some pretty awful side effects - I was sick quite often, and it usually happened when I least expected it (like one day when I was driving on the desolate side of Utah Lake and was miles and miles away from the nearest public restroom. AND it was on a Sunday so almost everything was closed!) But I learned how to manage it, each episode would usually last less than half an hour, and besides, being sick so much was helping me lose weight so there were some benefits!! This doctor had me come in each month for an ultrasound to see if I had ovulated.  I never did.

I was on Metformin for 8 months, when lo and behold, my cycle started!  The medicine had helped me lose about 25 pounds. I don't know if it was the medicine, the weight loss, or a combination that helped my cycles to start again, but I was happy to have them back. 

It was now Fall 2006. We had been trying for over four years to get pregnant. We had moved to a new home and a new ward.  In this ward were several families who had adopted, had fertility issues, etc. It was nice to be in a place where people understood me! Still, the pain of not being able to conceive was ever present.  I struggled with depression. I remember one day sinking into the depths of despair (not trying to be dramatic...that's really how it felt) and crumbling into my chair and crying harder than I think I ever had before. I was just certain I would never be a mother. Why was this blessing being withheld from me?  Was I not good enough? Was I not living righteously enough? Would I EVER know what it was like to be a mom? Did Heavenly Father know what I was going through? I sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt more alone in my entire life.

Then my doorbell rang, and there stood a friend of mine from my ward. Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me and had sent her to remind me. She had 2 children, one had been a preemie, and about 10 miscarriages. She had been through it all too, and she had survived and become stronger. She comforted me. Then, just as though Heavenly Father wanted to show me He really hadn't forgotten about me, the doorbell rang again, and there stood another friend. She comforted me as well, even though she didn't have children and at that time was not actively trying to have them. Having both of those women there saved me that day.

I started seeing a fertility specialist ("the doctor that doctors go to when they want to get pregnant", as my family doctor told me).  Since my cycles had started, he kept me on the metformin and added clomid.  This was in November 2006. After I finished that cycle of Clomid, he sent me for bloodwork, then called me with the good news that I had actually ovulated that month! First time in years, most likely. He told me to come in for artificial insemination after my next cycle.

That next Sunday as I was leading the music in Primary, I got really dizzy. As in, never felt this before, are-we-having-an-earthquake kind of dizzy.  I remember looking at my friend, who had a worried look on her face as she watched me sway back and forth. I asked if she had felt the room shake. She must have thought I was nuts. After church, my husband, who was Elders Quorum President at the time, had a meeting, so I went home and grabbed a pregnancy test, wondering if that could explain my dizziness.

I looked at the test in absolute disbelief. PREGNANT. I couldn't believe it. I had always planned on telling my husband in some creative way when we finally got pregnant, but all I could do was just smile stupidly when he got home and show him the test. FINALLY, our dreams were coming true.

I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and in July 2007, my little girl was born.  As indescribable as was my sadness when dealing with infertility, so was my joy equally as indescribable when I finally saw my baby girl.

Our son was then born in November of 2009, after using the same combination of drugs - metformin and clomid.  This seemed to be the magic potion for me.

I realize I am blessed and lucky to have had a relatively easy road. I know 5 years is a long time to try, hope, and wait, but when it came down to it I was able to get pregnant using relatively simple means.  I've had friends have to go the route of AI and IVF and I am grateful I didn't have to - we're teachers and we didn't have the money.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I got off "easy" while so many people had to go to such greater lengths, and some are still struggling.  But I've realized it doesn't matter how you reach your goal. Infertility is painful, no matter how you experience it, or for how long. And even after you have kids, the pain associated with infertility doesn't really go away, especially if you know you want more. But it is more easily forgotten just as soon as you start playing with your child or children.

We are hoping to be blessed with a third (and maybe even a fourth, if we are lucky!) child sometime in the near future. I am getting older, almost 32, so I realize the clock is ticking. Unfortunately I have had some health issues recently, related to the PCOS, which have made it necessary for both my physical and mental health to again patiently wait to have another child. And those old feelings have started creeping back in - jealousy when a friend gets pregnant, longing when you hold a baby, frustration at the conditions that make waiting necessary, etc.  You always wonder if you'll be able to get pregnant again - just because something worked once or twice doesn't mean it always will. But I just try and have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me.

Although PCOS is not fun, I've come to realize that Heavenly Father gives us challenges for our own good, to strengthen ourselves as well as those around us. I have always been very open about this condition, and as such, I've had the opportunity to meet and/or be contacted by other women who just want somebody to talk to who understands them.  Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have questions or just want to talk/cry/yell, whatever!

*Note: If you have read other posts on my blog you know that we again struggled with infertility for 2 years to achieve our third pregnancy. This time, the "magic combo" of metformin and clomid did not work well for me. Not until I researched and started taking an herbal supplement called "Pregnitude" did my cycles finally start again, after a couple of months - they had not started on their own in almost 2 years, whereas before Metformin always was able to get them going. I was having to use Provera, which is an awful drug I wanted to stay away from. Pregnitude helped me get off of Provera and start my cycle naturally. Then the high dose of clomid I was on was finally able to make me ovulate, multiple times apparently, because you know the rest of the story!

If you have PCOS and have not come across the PCOS Diva website and blog, please visit it right now. She has so many solutions and helpful suggestions to help your body get back on track!