Note: This post is taken directly from another blog I used to write in 2011, before my triplet pregnancy. I repost this here for those who are also struggling with PCOS or other forms of infertility in the hopes that you might find something helpful. You will notice the wording is a bit outdated. When I read the second to last paragraph, it cracked me up a bit!
My PCOS Story
My husband and I were married in 2000, while juniors in college. I had
never had a regular cycle, but never thought much of it. In fact, other
women were jealous of me! A doctor put me on birth control to regulate
my cycles, and it did just that. But when we started our final year of
college in 2002, my husband and I decided to go off the birth control
and open ourselves to the possibility of getting pregnant.
Of course, my cycles returned to being almost non-existent (it was not
unusual for me to have one only once a year, and only for a couple of
days) and we were not able to conceive. Since we were both in our
student teaching, then our first year as educators, we didn't worry too
much about it. But after my first year of teaching I decided it was time
to start getting serious about starting a family and, knowing I would
need to be available to see doctors, I decided to leave the school and
just focus on my private piano studio. It was a good decision, because
the next few years were full of doctors!
I don't remember exactly when I was diagnosed with PCOS. I think it was
probably about 2004, maybe early 2005. My first clue that something was
wrong was when I gained almost 60 pounds over the course of about 6
months - all while I was going to the gym each day, which I had
never done before, and eating healthier than I had in my entire life. I
met with a nutritionist, a doctor that focused on diet and exercise,
worked out with my super athletic, sports-medicine-major friend...nothing helped. I just kept gaining weight. I was miserable!
Finally, I went to an ObGYN. He did the usual tests - bloodwork,
followed by an ultrasound, and upon finding my ovaries riddled with
cysts, diagnosed me with PCOS. At the time, all I knew about PCOS was
that it made it hard to get pregnant. That was pretty much it.
We had bought our first house shortly after we graduated from college and
moved into the new home and our new ward. It was full of childless young couples, just
like us. Every Monday night we got together for Family Home Evening. We
called our group "The Young and the Childless". We had a great time
together. There were probably a good 10 couples in our ward, and it was
comforting to know that we all were in the same stage of life.
As my husband and I continued to try and get pregnant and fail, we
watched as, one by one, each and every couple in our little "childless"
group became pregnant and had babies. We endured countless Sundays of
going to church and seeing big round bellies. I remember the lowest
Sunday I had was when the final remaining childless couple got up in
Sacrament Meeting and announced their pregnancy. It took all the
strength I had not to run out of the chapel right then. I managed to
hold in the tears until after Sacrament, then broke down in the hall.
The sadness was indescribable.
We also watched, one by one, as each couple completely forgot about us
as they became engrossed in their new families. At the time, the loss of
their friendships hurt. Now I understand that that is just what happens
when you have a new baby, you can't really help it. You're busy, and
you're exhausted. You're in survival mode. What you once knew as normal life doesn't exist anymore. But I didn't understand that
then, in my childless state of mind. It was just adding insult to injury, to be left in the dust, not
only not being able to start a family, but losing all of our friends as
well.
It was about this time that I went to Utah for a family reunion and had a
conversation that changed my journey. My cousins' wife also had PCOS.
She told me to talk to my doctor about going on Metformin to help my
cycles regulate. Even though it is a medication traditionally used with
diabetes, it has proven to be helpful to PCOS patients as well, likely
because of the PCOS link to insulin and sugar metabolism.
I am reeeeaally bad about seeing doctors. I just HATE going to
the doctor. So it would often take me a few months just to get around to
making an appointment. I SO regret that I dragged my feet so much in
the early years of this condition. Though I do not regret God's timing, I
sure wish my own had been a little better.
When I finally went back to see my doctor later that Fall, he put me on clomid. Nothing happened.
Shortly afterward, I began seeing another doctor, about 45 minutes drive
from my home (far for my city, where there are doctors every couple of
miles). I had been referred to this doctor by another friend who had
some fertility struggles. I saw him every month. He prescribed
Metformin, and I took it faithfully. It had some pretty awful side
effects - I was sick quite often, and it usually happened when I least
expected it (like one day when I was driving on the desolate side of
Utah Lake and was miles and miles away from the nearest public restroom.
AND it was on a Sunday so almost everything was closed!) But I learned
how to manage it, each episode would usually last less than half an
hour, and besides, being sick so much was helping me lose weight so
there were some benefits!! This doctor had me come in each month for an
ultrasound to see if I had ovulated. I never did.
I was on Metformin for 8 months, when lo and behold, my cycle started!
The medicine had helped me lose about 25 pounds. I
don't know if it was the medicine, the weight loss, or a combination
that helped my cycles to start again, but I was happy to have them
back.
It was now Fall 2006. We had been trying for over four years to get
pregnant. We had moved to a new home and a new ward. In this ward were
several families who had adopted, had fertility issues, etc. It was nice
to be in a place where people understood me! Still, the pain of not
being able to conceive was ever present. I struggled with depression. I
remember one day sinking into the depths of despair (not trying to be
dramatic...that's really how it felt) and crumbling into my chair and
crying harder than I think I ever had before. I was just certain I would
never be a mother. Why was this blessing being withheld from me? Was I
not good enough? Was I not living righteously enough? Would I EVER know
what it was like to be a mom? Did Heavenly Father know what I was going
through? I sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt more alone in my entire
life.
Then my doorbell rang, and there stood a friend of mine from my
ward. Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten me and had sent her to remind me.
She had 2 children, one had been a preemie, and about 10 miscarriages.
She had been through it all too, and she had survived and become
stronger. She comforted me. Then, just as though Heavenly Father wanted
to show me He really hadn't forgotten about me, the doorbell rang
again, and there stood another friend. She comforted me as well,
even though she didn't have children and at that time was not actively
trying to have them. Having both of those women there saved me that day.
I started seeing a fertility specialist ("the doctor that doctors go to
when they want to get pregnant", as my family doctor told me). Since my
cycles had started, he kept me on the metformin and added clomid. This
was in November 2006. After I finished that cycle of Clomid, he sent me
for bloodwork, then called me with the good news that I had actually
ovulated that month! First time in years, most likely. He told me to
come in for artificial insemination after my next cycle.
That next Sunday as I was leading the music in Primary, I got really
dizzy. As in, never felt this before, are-we-having-an-earthquake kind
of dizzy. I remember looking at my friend, who had a worried look on her
face as she watched me sway back and forth. I asked if she had felt the
room shake. She must have thought I was nuts. After church, my husband,
who was Elders Quorum President at the time, had a meeting, so I went home and grabbed a
pregnancy test, wondering if that could explain my dizziness.
I looked at the test in absolute disbelief. PREGNANT. I couldn't believe
it. I had always planned on telling my husband in some creative way
when we finally got pregnant, but all I could do was just smile stupidly
when he got home and show him the test. FINALLY, our dreams were coming
true.
I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy and in July 2007, my little girl was
born. As indescribable as was my sadness when dealing with
infertility, so was my joy equally as indescribable when I finally saw my baby girl.
Our son was then born in November of 2009, after using the same
combination of drugs - metformin and clomid. This seemed to be the magic
potion for me.
I realize I am blessed and lucky to have had a relatively easy road. I
know 5 years is a long time to try, hope, and wait, but when it came
down to it I was able to get pregnant using relatively simple means.
I've had friends have to go the route of AI and IVF and I am grateful I
didn't have to - we're teachers and we didn't have the money. Sometimes
I feel guilty that I got off "easy" while so many people had to go to
such greater lengths, and some are still struggling. But I've realized
it doesn't matter how you reach your goal. Infertility is painful, no
matter how you experience it, or for how long. And even after you have kids, the pain associated with infertility doesn't really go away, especially if you know you want more. But it is more easily forgotten just as soon as you start playing with your child or children.
We are hoping to be blessed with a third (and maybe even a fourth, if we
are lucky!) child sometime in the near future. I am getting older,
almost 32, so I realize the clock is ticking. Unfortunately I have had
some health issues recently, related to the PCOS, which have made it
necessary for both my physical and mental health to again patiently wait
to have another child. And those old feelings have started creeping
back in - jealousy when a friend gets pregnant, longing when you hold a
baby, frustration at the conditions that make waiting necessary, etc.
You always wonder if you'll be able to get pregnant again - just because
something worked once or twice doesn't mean it always will. But I just
try and have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me.
Although PCOS is not fun, I've come to realize that Heavenly Father
gives us challenges for our own good, to strengthen ourselves as well as
those around us. I have always been very open about this condition, and
as such, I've had the opportunity to meet and/or be contacted by other
women who just want somebody to talk to who understands them. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have questions or just want to talk/cry/yell, whatever!
*Note: If you have read other posts on my blog you know that we again struggled with infertility for 2 years to achieve our third pregnancy. This time, the "magic combo" of metformin and clomid did not work well for me. Not until I researched and started taking an herbal supplement called "Pregnitude" did my cycles finally start again, after a couple of months - they had not started on their own in almost 2 years, whereas before Metformin always was able to get them going. I was having to use Provera, which is an awful drug I wanted to stay away from. Pregnitude helped me get off of Provera and start my cycle naturally. Then the high dose of clomid I was on was finally able to make me ovulate, multiple times apparently, because you know the rest of the story!
If you have PCOS and have not come across the PCOS Diva website and blog, please visit it right now. She has so many solutions and helpful suggestions to help your body get back on track!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
18 Week Update
I have started feeling little kicks here and there and I am now 95% sure it is actually the babies I am feeling. That's the good part of getting real (at least until they kick me as hard as a soccer ball...then this might go over to the "not-so-good getting real" category).
And one more for the good category: I am finally past morning sickness (knock on wood)! I haven't thrown up in 2 weeks! Still can't drink milk or eat ice cream without getting sick though :o( But no throwing up is reason enough to do a happy dance!
As for the not-so-good, I am getting more and more uncomfortable by the day. I couldn't sit all the way through an hour long church service yesterday, even though I tried to put my legs up on the pew occasionally. It was hard to breathe and my legs were so uncomfortable and hot (thanks a lot, compression hose). I ended up ditching after about 45 minutes and listening to the last speaker from a soft rocking chair in the mothers' area and propping my legs up on the diaper pail (luckily it did have a cover on the top). Yeah, gross I know, but you do what you gotta do! I figured the diaper pail was better than ditching church altogether.
Speaking of legs, they are getting increasingly purple and blue with lovely spider and varicose veins. Painful ones. Compression hose have now gone from a nuisance to the only way I can walk without pain. Okay, I admit, they are still a nuisance...but a necessary one.
Breathing is getting ever more difficult, especially when I lie down at night. I think my recliner will soon take over as my place of nighttime slumber since that is just about the only place I feel somewhat comfortable now.
And lastly, my heart. Oh how it pumps. And pumps. And thumps. I can feel it in my neck, hear it in my ears. It's working overtime, that's for sure! But as long as it keeps my babies healthy this is one thing I can handle. My doctor just wants me to keep an eye on it just to be careful. He says I may have to meet with a cardiologist at some point. But it's been a little better the past few days so I'm hoping it continues.
And to think...14 to 18 MORE weeks to get uncomfortable by the day. At least there will be a BIG payoff in the end! I can't wait for three little boys to kiss and cuddle.
My 18 week appointment went well. The boys are all growing. Baby A and B are up to 9 ounces from 5 ounces and 6 ounces, respectively. Baby C is up to 7 ounces from 4 ounces. They were kicking and moving like crazy in there. The tech thought I must have had something very sugary for lunch, and when I told her I hadn't eaten yet, she said "Wow, I wonder what they'll be like when you DO eat!" It was so neat, though, watching them cross and uncross their arms, touch their faces, and kick. And it was also fun seeing their "little penises", as the ultrasound tech kept calling out: "There's Baby A's little penis, there's Baby B's little penis..." and so on. It cracked me up.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, is my 18 week belly shot. At 16 weeks, my OB said my belly was measuring the same as a 26 week single pregnancy. I'm sure it's more like 28 now, because I can tell I've popped out some in the last 2 weeks.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
More Favorite Quotes
Here are two of my favorite recent quotes. They aren't funny, but they came from a fellow triplet mom (hers are in high school now) as I was telling her how it makes me so nervous to get ultrasounds every 2 weeks:
"They can be nerve racking for sure. I finally just decided to enjoy the babies for as long as God decided to let me have them ... whether that was 14 weeks, 32 weeks, 10 years, or my whole lifetime. I decided I was cheating myself of the joy by worrying. God would bring me through whatever he had in store."And this was my favorite from this particular conversation:
"Enjoy each moment, this is a blink in your life and everything to theirs."She really helped me put things into perspective. Even with the huge miracle we have already experienced, carrying triplets is still a daunting undertaking. I love seeing the babies at every ultrasound, but I also fear what they might find. She helped me remember what I already knew but, like all of us, forget sometimes - God is in control and He won't give us anything we can't handle. Find joy in the journey! And this is certainly SOME journey!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Facebook Loves a Miracle!
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| I had fun making this shirt! 16 1/2 weeks |
I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my Heavenly Father and Savior at this moment. They could find no trace of the birth defect at our appointment this afternoon. My doctor said he was absolutely amazed, that he'd never seen anything like this before. He said, "If you had asked me 15 minutes ago if this was possible, I would have said no. I don't know how this happened." But I know! Miracles do happen and we are the blessed recipients of one today. Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family for your faith, fasting and prayers! I feel so blessed that I can't even find the right words!!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The Birth Defect Miracle, Part 2
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| Baby C at 16 Weeks |
But as the next ultrasound drew closer I got progressively more nervous. Still, I knew people were praying for us, fasting for us, and sending thousands of positive thoughts to the babies and that gave me strength. Our names and the babies were on numerous temple prayer rolls across the country. My babies were being prayed for in the Nauvoo Temple, even. How cool is that?
On Tuesday, May 7th (16 weeks) we headed in for our follow up ultrasound. I must admit, I was selfishly praying for a miracle, but I had also told Heavenly Father that I trusted Him and would accept whatever we found out and follow His will. I knew that if it was His will, it would all work out. But still, I was really hoping for a miracle.
I think that ultrasound will prove to be the longest one of my life. The tech started off the appointment by telling us she had studied the ultrasound pictures of the defect and felt it would likely be hernia or omphalocele. She didn't sound like it concerned her too much, but I said "What concerns me about that is the high risk of chromosomal defects that go along with it." She agreed, and I tried hard to control my nerves. Only a few more minutes and we would know, right?
Wrong. My high risk team call the babies "A, B, and C." B and C are the twins, and C is the one with the defect. My ultrasound technician must really love alphabetical order, because she told me she would start with Baby A's ultrasound and go from there. Each baby takes about 20 or so minutes. I was dying inside, I just wanted her to go straight to Baby C and tell me if he was going to be okay! But I don't want to get the reputation in that office as being the "crazy one", so I acted like I was perfectly fine with that decision.
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| Baby A Waving |
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| Baby B at 16 Weeks |
Finally, Baby B was finished and I was ready to see how Baby C was doing. Then the tech stopped and said, "I need to take a break." Her arm was understandably very tired after 45 minutes of not being able to rest it anywhere. I screamed, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Don't do that to me!!!"....but only in my mind. On the outside I pretended to be calm and collected - again, I don't want to be known as the crazy triplet lady. As she washed her hands she said, "I probably shouldn't say anything, but I quickly ran over Baby C and I couldn't see anything." She said she would be back shortly and left the room.
I didn't know what to think. I was part scared that maybe she had seen something else and her whole story about having a tired arm was really an excuse to go discuss something serious with the doctor. I was part hopeful that there would really be nothing there. I didn't dare let my mind wander too far, for fear of being disappointed. So my husband and I just sat there and tried our best to patiently wait for her return.
Finally she came back and we proceeded with Baby C's ultrasound. Everything was pretty much a blur, I don't remember anything until she got to the abdominal area. I just remember looking for the strange white blob I had seen on top of the baby's stomach in the previous ultrasound and not seeing it, but not daring to ask if it could really be true.
She searched and searched, and finally announced that she saw no sign of it. And yet again, just as it had when they told us the baby had a defect at week 14, the earth ceased to spin. I could hardly wrap my brain around it. It was gone? Just like that? Does that even happen?!? And slowly, yet instantaneously, I realized we had just experienced a miracle. Only Heavenly Father can make something like that happen.
She continued on with the ultrasound, and noted that Baby C's umbilical cord did not enter the optimal place on the placenta and said she would show the doctor. He was 4 ounces, the smallest of the three, and measured a few days behind.
She left me to get dressed while she went to discuss the results with the doctor. JJ and I were amazed, dumbfounded, grateful. We were also cautious, just hoping nothing would burst this bubble. Usually they come and get us after only a few minutes to go have blood pressure and weight checked, but this time we waited, and waited. And that made me nervous. The umbilical cord must be a bigger deal than she made it sound.
Finally they came for us. My blood pressure was good, weight gain was normal. They informed us that the other couple currently pregnant with triplets were also in the office that day, and I asked if we could meet them. We did, at the end of our appointment and they were so wonderful!! I felt an instant kinship with them. They are also LDS and are about 11 weeks ahead of us. They are having all girls and they already have two at home! There is going to be a lot of drama in that household! Probably about the same amount of drama as there will be black eyes, swollen lips, and bruises of every kind in ours!
At last we were called into the doctors' office. I cautiously tried to read him as he walked in, nervous there would be more bad news, but thankfully he didn't keep us waiting long. He reached out, shook our hands and said, "Congratulations!" He then went on to explain that the entire staff had been examining and pouring over our ultrasound pictures, in total shock and surprise, which is what created the long, nerve-wracking wait. He said, "If you had asked me 15 minutes ago if this was possible, I would have said no." This brilliant, high-risk doctor that sees this defect all the time, was shaking his head and saying "I don't know how this happened." (to which I thought, "I do!") and went on to read us some medical jargon on the defect, saying it does not go away after 12 weeks. Here we were at 16 weeks, and it was GONE. He said we were very lucky, that in his practice defects do not disappear, instead they usually find more of them. He apologized for the emotional distress we had been through. For the record, I would NEVER blame him or his staff. They saw what they saw. Even I saw it and I am not medically knowledgeable AT ALL. It was undeniable. He said he had a few theories about how this might have happened, but that was all they were, theories. I told him I didn't care HOW it happened, I was just glad it did, and that was more than good enough for me!!
I asked him about the umbilical cord and he told me not to worry about it at this point. Apparently it's fairly common. We will keep an eye on it, but things should be just fine, he just will likely be small due to the fact that it's placement is not optimal for the baby to receive nutrients as easily.
Making the phone calls to family and friends to tell them this news was just as much fun as surprising them with the triplet news. My mom cried and cried, and her co-workers, who knew she was waiting to see how the baby was, asked her what we had found out. I heard her tell them through her tears, "It's gone." And her poor co-workers thought she meant the BABY, not the defect! So she quickly clarified for them :o)
I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I have no idea how I will ever thank Heavenly Father enough for this amazing gift.
I had a lot of friends waiting for the news, so as I soon as I could, I posted the news on Facebook. I will copy and paste that in the next post.
And to think, we could have missed out on this amazing miracle if we had agreed to selective reduction. I know that no matter what, I would never do that. Heavenly Father sends these special spirits here, and even if they aren't perfect, they deserve that chance at life. He knows what He's doing and I am so glad He gave us the strength to trust Him!
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